Losing Lola

Lola Lucina on her 85th bday

Lately, I'm counting time in terms of weeks. Two weeks ago was the week I spent most of which in Pasig taking care of Lola. Last week was the week of Lola's wake. And this coming week is the first official week that we'll really be without Lola.

 I don't like making my pain public. When Papa died in 2011, I don't think I mentioned anything about it in Facebook or my blog, even just to thank loved ones who grieved with me and my family. But that's just it - with Papa's passing, I was able to grieve. I would feel all the regret about our far-from-perfect relationship and cry at noon, when there were no visitors around. (At night, Papa's wake resembled a fiesta of loving relatives and friends, which greatly comforted our family and which didn't give me enough space to feel sad.) Lola's passing was different, at least for me.

At Lola's wake, I wasn't allowed to see her or touch her coffin because I'm pregnant. And I wasn't allowed to attend the cremation for the same reason. Out of respect for Mama, I obliged. So seeing the photos of Lola on Facebook tonight, I realized I wanted, I needed to grieve properly. And so I write.

Around this time last Sunday, Dong and I dropped off MC and my nieces in Pasig. That's the last time we saw Lola alive. I still tried to wake her up with my super loud "Hello, Lola!", something I always do every time I visit. That time, she didn't stir. She just went on sleeping, with her mouth slightly open and her breathing, I imagined, more labored. Without her false teeth, her face looked even thinner, even more sickly. I thought she lost even more weight compared to when I saw her last, which was just Thursday of that week.

On her 86th and my 28th bday celebration. We always celebrated together, because our birthdays are just a day apart.

When I think of that week, I think about how missing the Cebu trip with Dong was a blessing in disguise. That week, Dong had a 5-day conference in Cebu. We were talking about me joining him and extending the stay til Sunday so we can celebrate his birthday. For several reasons, we decided that I won't come with him anymore, and I'll just spend the week at Mama's house while he's away (like what Mama had requested earlier). The Sunday before that week, Mama called to update me that Lola has suddenly become very weak; she could no longer get up from her bed on her own. Now that's not Lola - Lola always sneaks to the bathroom at night while we're asleep because she doesn't like using her diaper! My Pasig vacation then became very timely.

Did I ever think that that week was my last with Lola? It crossed my mind. That's also the reason why I asked Kuya Archie (Lola's eldest apo) and his family, and Lolo Ete (her only living sibling) and his family to visit her during the week. But I never really entertained the idea. It wasn't because I was in denial. It's just that Lola has always been a survivor - from her slip in the bathroom several years ago to Ondoy in 2009 (where she was carried through an aircon slot) to her Parkinson's disease and a couple of hospitalizations. I thought we could care for her and pray for her to good health, and the week will pass and she'll be well again. Instead, she passed away the evening after Dong and I last saw her.

In 2011, when Papa suffered the stroke which claimed his life, Ton, my brother was with him. When Lola drew her last breath, Ton was also with her. I had wondered why that was so; my conclusion is that, God, in His omniscience, knew that, had I been in Ton's place, I would've put the blame on myself for not being able to stop their death on my watch. Which is foolish, really. 

Just minutes before Lola died, I was still with Ton on the phone. He was telling me that Lola has grown even weaker, and I was telling him to bring Lola to the hospital. I still didn't think then that Lola was already dying. But as Dong and I drove along Pili Drive that night praying for Lola, I was trying hard not to cry. Maybe, I was really in denial after all.

That night along Pili Drive, I prayed to God to extend Lola's life and let her regain her former strength. I wanted her to live long enough to see her apo sa tuhod from me, but I want her healthy and strong, not suffering. During my last week with her, she was confined to the bed, eating and drinking have already become taxing for her, and she could barely speak. Sadly, God didn't say YES to that prayer. After I called Mama to check if they're already on their way to the hospital, the next call I got was from my sister-in-law who sobbed the sad news.

Once again, I was tempted to think that I've lost all my prayer credits with God ever since He answered my prayer for a God's Best with Dong. But deep in my heart, I know there's really no such thing as prayer credits, and that God still has wonderful plan for my family despite our loss. And so I still praise Him in this storm. And I thank Him that I had that week with Lola, and that she didn't suffer for a very long time, and that I was able to share with her the Gospel years before, and that she accepted Jesus Christ in her life. And I thank Him that, at least, He answered my earlier prayer to let Lola be there for my wedding, something Papa had missed.

December 7, 2013

During last Sunday's bible study, Tito Danny and Tita Esther were talking about how, now, they're able to accept death as part of life. I told Dong that I still couldn't get used to death in the family. After Papa, I wasn't ready for another one. My only consolation, if you can call it that, is that Lola died slowly slipping away from us; Papa was suddenly snatched away from us.

Still, I have a few regrets. I regret that I didn't insist on the post-nup with Lola sooner. I had wanted to take more photos of Lola with me in my wedding gown. And I never got around to taking a photo of Lola and Mama and me after I found out I'm pregnant, to show three generations of mothers.

I will miss Lola. She wasn't just the Lola you visited every Sunday. My Lola had lived with us ever since I was born. My brother and I, we didn't have yayas, but we had our Lola. Lola who would slip a pillow beside me to make sure that I don't hit my head on the wall while sleeping (When I was a kid, I loved squeezing myself against the wall at night so aswangs peeking from my window wouldn't see me and eat me.) Lola who would hunt Ton down late in the afternoon to make sure that he makes it home by dinner time (or else Papa would scold him yet again). Lola who turned our whole backyard into a patola jungle that we were able to sell some of the bountiful harvest to neighbors (giving me my foray into sales). Lola who cooked such things as de kumot, (pink) kinulob and green adobo for us. Lola who called Kisang Kulit, Sasa Kulot and Dong Boy Tulog. Lola who would tell you that she needs to poop in the CR even if she doesn't, just so she could pee in the toilet and not in her diaper. Lola who's a sungka hustler, but who gets extra domino tiles when you're not looking. Lola who would smile her sly smile when you're trying to share a private joke with her. Lola remembered bdays and death anniversaries and phone numbers and utangs. Lola who taught me how to cook rice in a kaldero and who tried to teach me mag-lala ng sombrero.

I will miss the Lola who helped raise me.    

Christmas 2013